changing seasons

Once upon a time my growing kids united and overturned the pedestal were they put me long time ago when they were babies.

I did not know it was coming so I was not ready. A fluffy feathery nicely clucking chicken-me with still warm belly, just out of the nest, lost comfort of the coop. I fluttered my wings, having forgotten how to fly, pedaled my chicken feet in the air, overturned and landed on a cold floor with a thump.

With this fall two things became clear.

First, the kids do grow into preteens, teenagers and young adults. It is a blessed and natural change.
Second, the parents do change from wise folks into annoying, controlling, narrow-minded persons. I became one myself.

I am in the beginning of a new journey now. A journey on the path towards meeting my kids in a middle and continuing on our separate but hopefully visible to each other in the woods ways.

I love my kids.

precious time

Summer is going full speed ahead. Dreams about doing nothing in the summer, spending all the time in the world with our kids, reading to them, going places - sound usually like New Years Resolutions... After a day at work I come home and I close my eyes to mess, to dishes. I am so happy to see my kids, they are running to meet me, happy that I'm home, telling me what they did during the day and how much fun they had.
Everything in the last sentence except for both "happy" is a lie!
Seeing the mess, I make the kids drop everything they did and clean. It takes so much energy to fight after stressful day. Though I know we should pick our battles, it is not easy to follow this golden advice in reality:)
It always seemed to me that when time is precious, best way to use it is for something worthwhile. Of course, it's important to teach the kids life skills, including cleaning of the house...Still, I found that just like I remember the way my parents were with us kids rather than what was around us, so my kids will likely remember us, the parents. So having written this for the blog, I hope it will help me too :) to spend more quality time with my kids.
As for cleaning, we'll learn it as a family activity!

proud parent moment 2:)

Just a few days ago my son and I went to an amusement park. The lines were long, the sun was hot, so finally, when it was our turn to ride, my son said: "I'm not going!"

"Yes, you are", - he heard from me. "NO, mommy, no, I can't!" "We made it here, you're going!"
"Please, mommy, don't make me, I'm not going" And so on for 15 minutes.

My son heard it all from me that morning at the entry to the Ride. "You're going or we're leaving",
"GO!!!", "So, you're only brave playing playstation?!", "You made me come here all the way and now... this?", "What am I going to do now?!"

To all these he simply said: "Mommy, I'm not going."

A staff person asked him what was going on, and explained to him: "This ride does not go upside down, don't you worry, buddy" My son agreed to try the ride at once! He looked at me and noted, see, I was afraid to go upside down! "You would not think I'd make you?!" I said to no avail...

That's how, lost in a battle of "my way or highway", I never asked my kid a question "why?"
:)

Genuinnes and Spontanneity coupled with healthy motivation

Thinking of the post about kind words ...
Eyes, gestures, tone of voice, may mean more sometimes then the actual words. Actually babies can perceive only that, since they don't understand the words.
So I suspect the younger the children are the more sensitive they are to our true internal attitude rather then reaction that we manufacture in "educational" purposes.

It is much more difficult, I believe, to alter your body language than rehearse and shoot the proper words. Spontaneous genuine expression with love, care, respect, open mindedness motivated by desire to help the child to flourish into their own personality rather than sculpting our ideal goes a long long way.

The expression can be wordless and yet more effective. Comes to mind an old saying that parents teach by their own example .
So, if we want our kids to be : healthy, confident, enthusiastic, curious, open minded, self-sufficient, happy, behaving naturally, not shy to be who they are, with healthy self-esteem, no arrogance and not afraid to make mistakes or look foolish, we need to develop these qualities in ourselves.

But how to do that? This is a bigger discussion but I think ironically, it starts with relaxing into who we already are as opposed to struggling to become "better".
Trusting that we are worthy and capable individuals. We do not have to pretend to be smarter, stronger, more skillful then we already are. We can be weak, might not know many things, and be helpless at times. But the key is to be OK with all that and try not to cover up and look "good". That's the real strength and courage.

I believe setting that example would be much more effective in helping children to be happy and successful adults then giving them lots of goal oriented and competing skills.

Recently my son admitted to his classmates, who were passing a harmless snake to each other, that he doesn't want to touch it because he is afraid of snakes. I hope he stays that courageous.

on (music) lessons

"If you don't practice your violin (flute, trumpet, piano...), there will be no lessons anymore!"
There are two general kinds of response to this "promise": "Whatever!" or "Please, mommy, don't take me out of my trumpet (bassoon, clarinet) class!"

Most parents that I talked to would cancel classes in this situation. Some would then move on to a next thing, try to battle with their child over practice, effort, motivation, and then cancel again.

I always wondered, how many classes or activities an average child would "sail" through in the course of his or her childhood? Who would decide on the interest that "needs" pursuing: a parent or a child? Should we impose educational or recreational commitments on our kids, or is it better to let them look around, become interested (or not) in something, explore it and, may be, ask us for help and support in learning more?

With my two kids i had a chance to respond differently to each of them when time came to decide on the "future" of the lessons. One of them was fine with stopping the classes, even though she was the one who begged me to start. Another begged me not to stop! My idea of "no practice - no lessons" prevailed first time that we stopped his lessons. I say first time, because then we started again! This time it required an adjustment of my attitude towards practice. Seeing my kid who wanted to take this class with this favourite teacher, made me "break down".
I told myself that whether or not he practices, we will continue with the lessons, because it was beneficial to my son's education! It was me who had to change! He continued happily taking his lessons and in the end of the year we played a duet together at his recital.

If this experience taught me anything, it is that our approaches are different for each child, and that things change, and it is good to be accepting. In my case, it was a change in my own attitude!

proud parent moment 1 :)

My teenage son saw me peeling the GPS off the car windshield and throwing it on his lap. Yes, I was driving...The GPS was a "surprise" from my loving husband. Only I was in a bad mood and cared not to have it block half of the window...

My son said "How come we did not leave earlier?"
"I was having a good time on computer, besides is not 30 min enough to do whatever it is we're going to do?"
"Fine, I'll walk home then, let me out!"
"Oh, no!! I'll drive you home!"
"Just let me out!"
"No!"
Already half way home.
"OK, let's go! I'll manage, turn around!!" "No! You ask you get!!" "Please mom, turn around, it's OK!"
"Oh, NO!! Be careful what you wish for! You wanted home, go home, I'm not a driver here -
turn around-shmaround!! Home!"
"I don't want to be in a car with you mom!"
"Don't worry, you're NOT in a car with me! Not yet! You have much work to do to be in a car with me!"
"What do you mean mom??" "Work! Much work before you can be in my car!"

("This is MY train!" anyone? - right, it's from "The Ghost")

He flew out of the seat, onto the driveway and into the house. Slammed the door in the process.
I left.
When back in 45 min, first words I hear "Sorry mom"
---
"Sorry mom"
---
"Ma, you hear? Sorry, you forgive me?"
"Sure" "I'm really sorry mom, OK?"
"Sure, what's new?"
Eye-roll, leave, stomp downstairs.

Not now - there's no time

it seems to me, one of few gifts to our kids, family, friends, strangers is our time spent with them or for them.

I say this word "Later" so often.... Every time there is a reason for it.
Another favourite is "Not now!"

I hear myself say these ones " There's no time"....True, sometimes I get to hear this too!

Let's go to science museum - there's no time today.
Read to me - just a sec!
Hug me -

Hug me.

Hugs take time...Time takes time... Kids take time... :)

to say or not to say?

That is the question: feelings we have toward people around can urge us to say something nice to them - or might leave us speechless.

Words of kindness, encouragement, love come easily out of some, barely out of others, or never out of few. As much as language is lacking in expression, words are still one of just few ways to connect to another person, to express one's thoughts and to help others and oneself.

Words meant to hurt come too easily out of most of us. Even from the kindest ones.

Words of truth are kind regardless of how much they heal or hurt.

Do we want to say kind words? Do we have them to say? Do kind words make us closer to those we speak to? Do we doubt they matter to those we talk to? To us?

Do we need to hear kind words? Do kind words help children who hear them to be confident?
Do we say them to children only? How about grown ups? My son tells me that he loves me often. Those moments are precious and carry light into next ones.

Do we fear kind words? Do people fear kind words because they did not hear too many of them growing up? Some of my students at the alternative school become unsettled upon hearing kind words. Kind words throw them off track.

Compassion and connection can make words not needed. Still, a word of love from a beloved might mean a world, might cheer up, might spread sparks of goodness.

Sometimes, though, one is speechless because of fear or insecurity: what if one's kind words show one's weakness? What if the other misunderstands, reads too much into them? What if they expect more?

Funny words can be kind too!

Numerous words say nothing so often.

This post is a perfect example :)

What do you say?

Bonsai: enchanted (or enslaved?) spirit

The other day my son and i spoke about wonders of bonsai trees. He was curious about their size...
I told him that I used to be fascinated with them until I found out all about art of bonsai.

Bonsai tree is a real life tree that was trained to grow to look like an old tree, being of a small size.

"Contrary to popular belief, bonsai trees aren't genetically modified dwarves. They're regular trees or shrubs that are artificially stunted by pruning their roots and tying their branches with wire. The art originated in China, and was adapted by the Japanese early in the second millennium." (http://ask.yahoo.com/20010316.html)

Bonsai tree is a real life tree that is an enslaved spirit. Spirit that is bound and silenced.

Talking to my son I realized how we parents too can turn our children either into a tree or a bonsai...

Looking at old photographs

My daughter told me not to e-mail her any more. It's too late, she wrote, you had your chance, now it's over. Goodbye.

It's only when I look at her old childhood pictures that sorrow touches my guts - raising her was a happy time. A happy kind of time, when one knows right then - this is happiness.

What happened now, made me question my parenting. It made me ask myself questions about mistakes I made. It also made me tell myself that I'm happy she turned out so independent.

Unhappy times are usually under-appreciated by most. My friends and family know exactly what should be done. My daughter knows exactly what she is doing. There is nothing to be done here. This is the time in her and in my life that needs to be exactly like it is.

Please write back.